Who Is Making Your Life Difficult?

So let’s look at how we make our life difficult. Rather than focusing on physical health problems which can be much more obvious, I’d like to focus on the emotions we choose to hold on to. I’m talking about the judgments we form and the expectations we have. Expectations come from our own mind and may or may not be in harmony with other people’s choices.

And that’s where our life becomes stressed, difficult, and simply out of balance. We insist, either within ourselves or with someone else, that they "should" behave in a particular way, or should not use certain words, or not act in a specific way. We do that with family members, coworkers, and people out in the world. Sometimes we say it out loud, and other times it remains within us in the form of a judgment, a grudge, or a negative attitude towards that person.

When Expectations Collide with Reality

We at times have a clear idea of how others "should" behave. And when they don’t conform to our expectations, we become upset, disappointed, angry, or frustrated. In other words, we make our life difficult because we are not accepting what is. We are not accepting that the other person is not us. They won’t behave like us, they won’t think like us, and they may not share the same beliefs and opinions.

When reality doesn’t match the story we have created in our mind, the friction between the two produces frustration.

An example is the driver who cuts you off in traffic or stays stopped at a green light because they are focused on their phone. For many of us, this brings up feelings of aggravation, frustration, and anger. We react emotionally to the other person’s behavior.

While the event itself may last only a few seconds, what often lasts much longer is our emotional replay of it. We may continue thinking about it for minutes, or even the rest of the day, reliving the irritation again and again.

Who Is Really Making Your Life Difficult?

Contrary to popular opinion, the people who are making our life difficult are not our partners, bosses, coworkers, children, neighbors, etc. But they appear that way because they will say something or do something that triggers a reaction in us which then leads to our experiencing anger, resentments, grudges, etc. But they are not the cause. They simply did something or said something, and that could be the end of the story.

Except, as we all know, it's usually not the end of the story. Why? Because we react. And that word is interesting because when you divide it into two parts you have the word re-, and then you have act. So basically: act again.

And isn't that what happens? We may tend to go over and over whatever happened in our mind and act it over and over again by choosing to be indignant, exasperated, frustrated, or outright angry. But the other person did not choose our reaction; we did. They chose their action, and then we took care of the rest.

And that's how we make our life difficult: by choosing anger, by choosing resentment, by choosing to hold a grudge, by choosing to blame, by choosing not to let it go.

The difficulty is not so much in the other person’s behavior as in our reaction to their behavior. And oftentimes, because we already carry built-up emotional tension from other situations, our response becomes much bigger than the moment requires. Thus road rage, or other kinds of rage.

It's Not What Happens, It's How We Respond

This pattern doesn’t only happen in traffic. It also happens in our closest relationships.

In life, others may get upset because our behavior, our words, or our actions do not match what they desire from us. They may start belittling us or berating us because of our choices. And then the energy spreads. Their anger and frustration spill out and, unless we are adept at not absorbing such energy, we end up getting upset as well.

So whose fault is it?

Most of us would say it's the raging driver's fault, or the angry boss, or the jealous mate. It's their fault that our life suddenly becomes uncomfortable and that we become stressed. But in the same way that no one can "make you" or force you to be happy, impatient, or angry, their energy and their emotions do not make your life difficult.

What makes our life difficult or stressful is our reaction to their words or actions. We choose how we react. We choose the emotion that we will hang on to.

The Power Hidden in Your Reaction

Of course, we may get angry in the moment. That can happen before we even realize it. But the important part is what we do after. Do we keep repeating in our mind statements of blame and judgment directed toward the other person, or do we step back and reflect on our reaction?

Perhaps we could have chosen differently in the moment. However, many times our reaction comes too quickly for us to respond from the heart. The ego stepped in immediately, sputtering and shouting and defending itself.

And thus we make our life difficult by holding on to that attitude, instead of realizing that each person has their own beliefs, their own attitudes, and their own behavior. And the only behavior we truly have anything to do with is our own.

It’s a bit like knowing you’re allergic to a particular food but continuing to eat it anyway. It’s not the food’s fault that you get sick. You made the choice, and if you keep making the same choice, then you will continue to make your life difficult. The same goes for emotional responses.

Looking Within Instead of Blaming Others

We can’t change other people. Other people are who they choose to be, and who they have been taught to be. We can’t change that. What we can change is ourselves, along with our attitudes and reactions.

I have a friend who is very secretive, and frankly, it aggravates me. Why? Because it brings up my issues, such as feeling that I’m not being trusted, or not valued enough to be trusted with her personal challenges. The old "not good enough" syndrome.

I have another friend who has a hard time when I don’t agree with his perspective on things. And I react to that because it brings up my childhood issues from times when my opinions and suggestions were dismissed or simply ignored because I was a girl.

The temptation, at least for me, is to try to understand why the other person acts that way. And while there is nothing wrong per se with me wanting to understand others' behavior, since I have no control over theirs, it is much more important for me to understand my own behavior.

Why did I react that way? Why is that behavior bothering me so much? And how could I respond differently to that person in that situation?

When I choose that route, instead of trying to figure out why the person is the way they are, I get much better results. When I decide to try to understand why I am the way I am, why I react the way I do, why I feel hurt or angry at other people's behavior, then I can make progress in my growth, in my happiness, and in making my life much more harmonious.

The discomfort wasn’t really coming from their behavior. It was coming from the story my mind created about what their behavior meant.

So it’s not about the other person. They are simply being themselves. But if I choose to get upset at their behavior, that’s on me. Rather than blaming them, it’s more helpful to ask myself, "Why does that upset me so much?"

That introspective question can lead to insight and acceptance. Everyone in our life can help us see our own beliefs, wounds, and reactions more clearly.

They don’t "make us" angry. They simply are who they are. We make ourselves angry based on our thoughts and our reactions.

Choosing Emotional Peace Instead

The fact that we are responsible for our emotional reactions is good news. Because if our discontent lies in our attitudes and reactions, then we hold the key to improving the situation.

We always have the ability to choose our response. We don’t need anyone else to fix our life or our emotions. They can't anyway. That's our domain.

When we stop choosing negativity, blame, and resentment, our life naturally becomes lighter and less stressed.

So the next time you find yourself in an emotional situation, pause for a moment and ask yourself: Can I choose peace instead of making my life difficult? Can I choose peace instead of anger, blame, or resentment?

The choice is always ours.

And that brings us back to the original question: Who is making your life difficult? Once you accept that you are in charge of your own actions and reactions, you also realize that you hold the power to transform the way you experience life. That is how you reclaim power over your life.

photo of Marie T. Russell, InnerSelf.com Marie T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from 1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal empowerment, and inner well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own inner source of love. joy, and creativity.

Recommended Books:

Books to continue the exploration into the topic of emotional peace.

* No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model

by Richard C. Schwartz

This book introduces the Internal Family Systems approach, which views our emotional reactions as different “parts” within us trying to protect or guide us. By understanding these internal responses rather than fighting them, we can develop greater self-awareness, emotional balance, and compassion toward ourselves and others.
For more info or to order this book:
https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1683646681/innerselfcom

* Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

by Brené Brown

Brené Brown explores the wide range of emotions that shape our reactions and relationships. By learning to recognize and name our emotional experiences, we gain the ability to better understand ourselves and respond to life with greater clarity and compassion.
For more info or to order this book:
https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0399592555/innerselfcom

* The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

This popular book centers on a simple principle: stop trying to control other people’s behavior. Instead, allow others to be who they are while focusing on your own response and boundaries. The message resonates with readers because it encourages letting go of stress caused by expectations and reclaiming personal peace.
For more info or to order this book:
https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1401971369/innerselfcom

* Think Like a Monk

by Jay Shetty (2020)

Drawing on lessons learned during his time living as a monk, Jay Shetty offers practical guidance for managing thoughts, reactions, and emotional habits. The book helps readers recognize how the mind creates stress and shows how awareness and intentional choices can lead to a calmer and more purposeful life.
For more info or to order this book:
https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1982134488/innerselfcom

Article Recap:

Much of the stress we experience does not come from other people but from our reactions to them. By recognizing how expectations and judgments influence our emotions, we can begin to respond differently. When we realize we always have the ability to choose our response, we gain the power to create more peace in our lives.

#InnerSelf #SelfAwareness #EmotionalWisdom #PersonalGrowth #EmotionalPeace
#ChoosePeace #EmotionalBalance #SelfReflection #Mindfulness #InnerPeace #LifeChoices

break

Thanks for visiting InnerSelf.com, where there are 20,000+ life-altering articles promoting "New Attitudes and New Possibilities." All articles are translated into 30+ languages. Subscribe to InnerSelf Magazine, published weekly, and Marie T Russell's Daily Inspiration. InnerSelf Magazine has been published since 1985.